


Bake It So

by ThreeWhiskeyLunch



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Cooking, Gen, Humor, meficswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:37:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5039632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeWhiskeyLunch/pseuds/ThreeWhiskeyLunch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the <a href="http://meficswap.tumblr.com/"> meficswap on Tumblr</a>.</p>
<p>Prompt-I have a specific request, and here it is: Javik and James -The Extranet Cooking Show, doesn't have to make much sense or have a plot, should be hilarious. <a href="http://akalanthis.tumblr.com/post/124252165082/the-only-use-of-liara-renegade-shepard-could-think">Also, a bit inspired by this image</a></p>
<p>I realized I fudged the title more than a bit. I hope that's okay...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bake It So

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MsLanna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsLanna/gifts).



The camera blurred for a moment before coming into focus on the dark hair woman who stood in front of it. Behind Diana Allers was the mess hall of the _Normandy_. And behind her could be seen the small kitchen area where James and Javik were standing behind the counter, appearing to tussle over an apron James was attempting to put over Javik’s head.  
  
“C’mon, Buggy. See, I’ve got one?” He pointed to the apron that barely managed to cover half of his expansive chest. On it was written ‘80% Stud 20% Muffin’.  
  
Javik crossed his arms over his chest and leaned away from James. “I do not understand the purpose of that flimsy costume. It is not protection of any sort. My armor is sufficient for this impractical endeavor.”  
  
“But it’s not just about protection, amigo. It’s a cultural thing. And it’s gonna help protect your armor from grease stains and things like that-”  
  
“My armor provides a kinetic barrier that is far superior to anything that flimsy piece of fabric could provide.”  
  
“Alright, guys,” Diana interrupted. “We’re going live in thirty seconds. Javik, please put the apron on.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“Now.”  
  
Only James saw the brief flash of green biotic energy swirl around the Prothean’s fingertips. He took a step back, having had the pleasure of encountering that particular look on Javik’s face. Right before he ripped a banshee to shreds. “Woah, dude-” But then something about the stance of the formidable reporter-and the look on Shepard’s face as she stood right behind her-must have made Javik think twice about his reluctance and the energy dissipated just as quickly as it had formed. He bent his head slightly in both the women’s direction in silent affirmation. Then inclined his head further towards James and the apron was over his head-with just a little bit of tugging to get around the pointed back-and tied neatly with a bow.  
  
“Thank you, Javik. Ten seconds! Javik, please face towards the camera. No, it looks fine, stop fiddling with it! Yes, just right there. Don’t move.” Diana took a deep breath and muttered under her breath, “Sweet baby jesus. Save me from Protheans.”  
  
The camera light increased in intensity as Diana took her place in front of it. She smoothed her features and plastered on her reporter’s half-smile while a small red light blipped down the seconds, then turned green. “Good evening and welcome to a new special series of ANN’s Battlespace called _Normal Normandy_ , where we showcase a day in the lives of the people who are helping to save the galaxy from the Reapers. Tonight we have Lieutenant James Vega and the last living Prothean, Javik, who will together be cooking up a couple of pretty special dishes for us.” Diana stepped closer to the kitchen counter as the camera panned over James, who grinned and waved, and Javik, who stared sourly at the reporter as if imagining all the ways he meant to gut her later. The look on his face contrasted greatly with the image of Jean-Luc Picard on his apron with the words ‘Bake it So’ written below the pointing Enterprise captain.  
  
“So tell us, Lieutenant Vega-”  
  
“Call me James.”  
  
“Oh, uh. James. So tell us what you have planned for tonight’s menu.”  
  
“Well! I’m gonna make you my _tia’s_ famous Huevos Rancheros.” He exaggerated the roll of the r’s as he talked, winking at Diana. “She taught this to me when I was just yay high. Told me I'd never starve as long as I knew how to make this one dish. Buggy here has never-"  
  
"I'm sorry, Buggy?"  
  
"Oh, I mean Javik. I like to give people nicknames. Kinda my thing. Anyway, we’re gonna make the pico first. That’s like a fresh salsa. My _tia_ always put some avocado in it, but I couldn’t find any when we were docked, so I’m just gonna make it without. Let’s get this pan on the heat and then I’ll cut up the tomatoes.”  
  
As James talked, the camera panned from him to Javik. The Prothean had picked up one of the hot house tomatoes that sat on the counter, examining it closely, turning it in his hand and sniffing it. He then pressed his thumb into it slightly before crushing the tomato in his grip, tomato juice and seeds splattering the counter and landing on James’ arm.  
  
“Woah! Hey, Javik! Dude! What the hell?”  
  
“Such inferior food would not have provided sustenance for my people.” Javik sniffed again at the remaining pulp on his hand, his mouth turned down in a sour look. He shook his hand to removed the unworthy fruit, then smeared the remains over the apron to leave Jean-Luc with an undignified tomato peel on his cheek.  
  
“Aw, man! I only had two tomatoes! You know how expensive those things-” Javik turned his scowl on James, who took a half step away, eyes wide. “Okay. So, we can just use the one.” He picked up the remaining tomato and began to chop it up fine. “You want to be sure-” His attention was caught by Javik, who had picked up the onion. “Please don’t smash that too, Buggy.”  
  
Javik didn’t answer. He did sniff at the onion as well, his face opening up in surprise. He sniffed it again, then proceeded to take a large bite of the unpeeled onion in its entirety. James stared in horror as Javik chomped away happily on the onion, devouring it all in the span of a minute.  
  
“Now that is a food worthy of my people.” He gave a small, fumy burp and surveyed the rest of the ingredients on the counter. He picked up one of the two eggs that lay delicately in a small bowl. “What is this?”  
  
“Uh...that’s an egg, but-”  
  
“The creature that produced this was kept in a small cage, it’s only purpose in life to produce more of these ‘eggs’. In my time, we called this a noble endeavor.” And with that, he popped the egg in his mouth, crunching down on the shell.  
  
James’ mouth had slowly fallen open as he watched in fascinated disgust as Javik ate the egg, a small amount of yellow yoke escaping from the corner of his mouth. He pointed to the small dribble. “You’ve got a little...uh…”  
  
A tongue came out of the mouth and licked the yoke away.  
  
James blinked. He looked down at the remaining ingredients on the counter-a single egg, a bunch of cilantro, a few tortillas. He shook his head and leaned his hip against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. The movement tipped a bottle of olive oil, sending some into the heated frying pan and over onto the heating element where it erupted in a burst of flames and smoke. “ _Mierda!_ ” He jumped back, pushing Diana away from the flames. “Someone get the-”  
  
He couldn’t be heard further as the _Normandy’s_ klaxon alarms rang, a red warning light flashing overhead. Fire suppression foam burst from the sprinkler system, coating everything below: James waving his arms, Javik watching the scene unfold before him with stoic surprise, Shepard with a very sour look on her face that rivaled any of Javik's on his worst day, Diana as she waved her hand over her throat indicating the news editor should cut the feed.  
  
Shepard wiped the foam from her face and pushed her hair back, smearing the foam further. She leaned back on one of the mess tables, then scooted over to make room for a dripping Diana. The two of them leaned on the table, watching the scene as James tried to wipe foam off and Javik tugged the apron over his head, turning in circles as it got caught on his pointed skull. Several crew members had appeared from their various hideouts and were taking in the fire suppression foam and the chaos of the mess. Garrus seemed to be especially amused and Shepard would bet a hundred creds he had started filming the scene with his visor.  
  
“So,” Shepard said, “maybe next time we can have Kaidan show off the orchids he's been growing in the lounge. If we're lucky, he'll tear a hole in the side of the ship. Or Garrus can do a knitting demonstration. Blow up the engine while he's at it. That could be fun.”  
  
Diana knocked her hip against the commander’s. “Maybe next time we could just show you shooting at stuff. You know. Give people confidence that someone on this ship knows what they’re doing?”  
  
“Ah. Yeah. That’s a thought too.”

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from an actual apron that is available out there on the internet. Also, I borrowed the idea of James' apron from the internet world as well, but switched it from 20% Stud, 80% Muffin to the other way around because..well...James.


End file.
